Entries Tagged 'Celebrity Rants' ↓

I’ve been entertaining the idea that Lindsay Lohan slipped the cocaine into Paris Hilton’s purse. Think about it. She just got out of jail and is dying to get the heat off her. Who better than Paris to take a fall and take over the negative headlines? No one would miss her, and besides, she’s already been to jail. She’ll be welcomed back with open shivs and toilet beer! Lindsay, on the other hand, is trying to stir up some good press in the new issue of Vanity Fair. The interview was conducted before she went to the hoosegow, and hoo boy, is it ever funny. Here are a few snippets:

“If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking – so that says something, because I was fine.”

“I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have – never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done – to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, okay, ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”

“I want my career back. I know that I’m a damn good actress, and it’s been my passion since I was a child, and I know that when I care about something, I put 100 percent and more into it. … I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies.

Lindsay Lohan is a damn good actress who has done great movies and never used drugs? Is this Vanity Fair or MAD magazine? Hm. There is a freckled redhead on the cover. God, now I’m completely confused.

Because the biggest news today is that Chad Lowe (you know. The guy from Life Goes On. The AIDS guy, not the Down Syndrome one) got married, here are pictures of Anne Hathaway’s new short haircut. Prepare to see lots of pictures and headlines in gossip magazines that say stuff like, “Gone Short n’ Sweet” or “Anne: Pretty Pixie!” or “Hathaway? Hair Away!” A cute little haircut certainly lends itself better to cheerful copy than pictures of Britney Spears’s matted weave. Then “At least she doesn’t have raccoons feeding on the stale Little Debbies she stashed in there… again” is about the best you can do, and lord knows that doesn’t rhyme with anything sassy.

Paris Hilton has a long record of truth-telling, like when she told Larry King she’d never done drugs when on this site alone there exists about a trillion pictures of her smoking weed. Or that time she said her sex tape devastated her and she had nothing to do with leaking it but then was seen happily picking up royalty checks for it. Listen, Paris, no one will stand for your claptrap twaddle any longer, and that includes the Las Vegas police department, who are formally charging you with felony drug possession after your coke arrest. Hollywood Gossip reports:

Before Paris Hilton’s arrest, she said she was “extremely embarrassed” and asked the officer if she could go to the bathroom at the nearby Wynn Hotel.

At the hotel, Paris told the cop she needed lip balm so he handed Paris her purse and “As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand.”

Paris claimed the purse was not hers and that she had borrowed it from a friend. The cop questioned Paris about the cocaine and apparently, Paris gave an odd answer: “She said she had not seen it, but now thought it was gum.”

Paris says the cocaine was “probably her girlfriend’s.”

I’m so glad Paris carries her cocaine in a bindle. I hope she takes care to wrap it tight when she’s whittling nickels while riding the Chesapeake Western to North River Gap. That’s Ole Possum Joe’s line, and he don’t take kindly to newcomers tramping on his turf, see.

So the Emmys were last night. If you missed them: they were boring, Ricky Gervais was funny, Christina Hendricks still has big ones, and Mad Men, Modern Family, and Temple Grandin won everything. Click “continue reading” for the full list of winners after the cut, and below, we have a few red carpet looks. From left to right, Christina Hendricks who has big ones, January Jones who looked like a drunk, broken Christmas ornament, Claire Danes who was sparkly, Lea Michele who has a porn name, Anna Paquin who was dressed like a Grecian warrior, Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon who are cute, Heidi Klum who had a fresh coat of pumpkin-colored paint, and Sofia Vergara, who was dressed like a shrimp with the poop vein still in it.

Outstanding Drama Series: Mad Men
Outstanding Comedy Series: Modern Family

ACTING

Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Jane Lynch, Glee
Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie: Al Pacino, You Don’t Know Jack
Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie: Claire Danes, Temple Grandin
Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie: David Strathairn, Temple Grandin
Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie: Julia Ormond, Temple Grandin

DIRECTING

Drama Series: Steve Shill, Dexter
Comedy Series: Ryan Murphy, Glee
Variety, Music or Comedy Special: Bucky Gunts, Vancouver 2010: XXI Olympic Winter Games
Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special: Mick Jackson, Temple Grandin

WRITING

Drama Series: Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy, Mad Men
Comedy Series: Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd, Modern Family
Variety, Music or Comedy Special: 63rd Annual Tony Awards
Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special: Adam Mazer, You Don’t Know Jack

Made for Television Movie: Temple Grandin
Miniseries: The Pacific
Reality Competition Program: Top Chef
Variety, Music or Comedy Series: The Daily With Jon Stewart

Miranda Kerr got pregnant via nutless cobbler elf Orlando Bloom, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t continue to break new ground in the competitive field of magazine masturbation fodder. First she appeared in her drawers for Victoria’s Secret, then she appeared without the drawers for a bunch of other stuff, now she’s raising the bar for all of us by appearing nude, in Italian Vogue, IN 3D. When I was little, I thought that in 2010 I would live on the moon and use my rocket shoes to get to work, but pulsating supermodel buns in my face while I wear cardboard glasses is just as good.

NSFW pics, they are after the cut.

Say you were arrested twice in one month on suspicion of drug possession. And say, just hypothetically-like, that these two drug busts happened in other parts of the world. Maybe, oh, I don’t know, South Africa and Corsica. We’ll say those two, just for kicks. And say that because of something–could be dumb luck, could be because you’re in the public eye and you’re insanely wealthy because you’re the heir to a hotel fortune–the charges are dropped and you get off scot-free. What do you do? See, if it were me, I’d thank the stars, stay home, and for the love of all that is good and holy stop carrying drugs around. But not Paris Hilton! She’s special. Yahoo! News says:

Paris Hilton was arrested late Friday after a police motorcycle officer smelled marijuana smoke wafting from a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend [Cy Waits] on the Las Vegas Strip, then found cocaine in her purse, authorities said.

Police later found a substance in Hilton’s purse that tests showed to be cocaine, Martin said. He said it was “a small amount” of the drug, a package of the size usually associated with personal use.

Hilton was arrested on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Waits, 34, was arrested on misdemeanor suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

If convicted of the low-grade felony, Hilton would get probation. Any violation of probation would be punishable by one to four years in Nevada state prison.

I guess it’s true what they say–trends really do come and go in cycles. Lindsay and Paris in jail, it’s just like 2007 again! Audioslave is totally going to reunite. Right after I vote for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Say you were arrested twice in one month on suspicion of drug possession. And say, just hypothetically-like, that these two drug busts happened in other parts of the world. Maybe, oh, I don’t know, South Africa and Corsica. We’ll say those two, just for kicks. And say that because of something–could be dumb luck, could be because you’re in the public eye and you’re insanely wealthy because you’re the heir to a hotel fortune–the charges are dropped and you get off scot-free. What do you do? See, if it were me, I’d thank the stars, stay home, and for the love of all that is good and holy stop carrying drugs around. But not Paris Hilton! She’s special. Yahoo! News says:

Paris Hilton was arrested late Friday after a police motorcycle officer smelled marijuana smoke wafting from a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend [Cy Waits] on the Las Vegas Strip, then found cocaine in her purse, authorities said.

Police later found a substance in Hilton’s purse that tests showed to be cocaine, Martin said. He said it was “a small amount” of the drug, a package of the size usually associated with personal use.

Hilton was arrested on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Waits, 34, was arrested on misdemeanor suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

If convicted of the low-grade felony, Hilton would get probation. Any violation of probation would be punishable by one to four years in Nevada state prison.

I guess it’s true what they say–trends really do come and go in cycles. Lindsay and Paris in jail, it’s just like 2007 again! Audioslave is totally going to reunite. Right after I vote for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Say you were arrested twice in one month on suspicion of drug possession. And say, just hypothetically-like, that these two drug busts happened in other parts of the world. Maybe, oh, I don’t know, South Africa and Corsica. We’ll say those two, just for kicks. And say that because of something–could be dumb luck, could be because you’re in the public eye and you’re insanely wealthy because you’re the heir to a hotel fortune–the charges are dropped and you get off scot-free. What do you do? See, if it were me, I’d thank the stars, stay home, and for the love of all that is good and holy stop carrying drugs around. But not Paris Hilton! She’s special. Yahoo! News says:

Paris Hilton was arrested late Friday after a police motorcycle officer smelled marijuana smoke wafting from a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend [Cy Waits] on the Las Vegas Strip, then found cocaine in her purse, authorities said.

Police later found a substance in Hilton’s purse that tests showed to be cocaine, Martin said. He said it was “a small amount” of the drug, a package of the size usually associated with personal use.

Hilton was arrested on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Waits, 34, was arrested on misdemeanor suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

If convicted of the low-grade felony, Hilton would get probation. Any violation of probation would be punishable by one to four years in Nevada state prison.

I guess it’s true what they say–trends really do come and go in cycles. Lindsay and Paris in jail, it’s just like 2007 again! Audioslave is totally going to reunite. Right after I vote for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Some blogs describe Jessica Alba as “dour”, some call her “prudish”. This is due to the fact that she uses body doubles for even underwear shots in movies, and that she always appears in public frowning and looking as if she’s mid-sigh. It never occurred to me that these two things might be related until today.  It’s just been revealed that in her latest movie, The Killer Inside Me, that’s Alba’s real, actual honey ham getting spanked by possible sexual harrasser Casey Affleck. Not a double. And here she is yesterday at a public appearance, smiling like a person free of all troubles, and showing off the very ass that curtseyed its debut into theaters. She’s slowly getting us acclimated. It’s like we’re dipping a toe into her buns before she dives headlong into Prince style assless pants, all day, every day.

Undercheeks after the cut.

Some blogs describe Jessica Alba as “dour”, some call her “prudish”. This is due to the fact that she uses body doubles for even underwear shots in movies, and that she always appears in public frowning and looking as if she’s mid-sigh. It never occurred to me that these two things might be related until today.  It’s just been revealed that in her latest movie, The Killer Inside Me, that’s Alba’s real, actual honey ham getting spanked by possible sexual harrasser Casey Affleck. Not a double. And here she is yesterday at a public appearance, smiling like a person free of all troubles, and showing off the very ass that curtseyed its debut into theaters. She’s slowly getting us acclimated. It’s like we’re dipping a toe into her buns before she dives headlong into Prince style assless pants, all day, every day.

Undercheeks after the cut.