Entries Tagged 'Celebrity Rants' ↓

Back when you were a child and you saw E.T. for the first time, did you have any idea that adorable little blonde Gertie would grow up to show her cans to David Letterman and then talk about phone sex and naked men? You didn’t? Because I totally did. I saw those pigtails and was like, “inside, there beats the heart of an insatiable perv–” OK, I don’t know where I’m going with this joke but it’s gross. Drew Barrymore is interviewed in the new issue of Nylon, and she has a few things to say about simulating phone sex in her new movie, boyfriend Justin Long’s nude scene in said movie, and jeans. Via Popeater:

“You know, phone sex going awry is just a funny concept to me and I thought, This is going to be one of those scenes where we have to go balls out, and if it doesn’t work, it’s going to be editing room floor crap.”

“It’s funny because usually it’s the girl who’s naked. I was like, ‘That’s right, bitch. The tables are turned!’ ”

“I never have time for shopping… I’ve been wearing the same fucking pair of jeans for 10 years.”

Well, at least they’re a fucking pair. Look at where these abstinence jeans have gotten me this past decade. Nowhere, that’s where.

We will never be free of Mel Gibson tapes. They’re like a tightening noose, a plastic bag over the head, a particularly hearty kick in the shorts. There are more every day and frankly, they’re turning us all into cold, hard, mean people. That’s why Radar graciously gave us a day off of listening to taped phone calls. Instead, they’ve released taped voice mails today. Huge difference! In one of them, he groans like a wounded wookiee. In this edited mashup (listen here), Mel calls Oksana THIRTY times in 24 hours after she dumps him. There are two types of people in this world that leave 30 voicemails in a day: sociopaths and 15-year-olds. And since I don’t see Mel carrying a Team Jacob backpack, I think we can all guess which he is.

• The new issue of Star reportedly features topless pics of Angelina Jolie after a drug binge. Stars: they’re just like us? (Bumpshack)
• CNW will be on vacation, so no updates this Thursday and Friday. We’ll return Monday, August 2nd for our regularly scheduled colostomy jokes.
• George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Cannalis is involved with a coke n’ hookers scandal! Whee! (Celebitchy)
• More topless Paris Hilton pictures. Jeez. Well all know she’s rich. Buy a shirt, why dontcha. (Nudography)
• Miranda Kerr is rumored to be pregnant with Orlando Bloom’s half-pixie baby. Whether true or false, this news does not impact your life in any way. (The Blemish)
• Are there sex tapes featuring Khloe Kardashian’s Patrick Bateman-esque beau, Scott Disick? Well, why wouldn’t there be? (Pop on the Pop)
• Here are some pictures of Natalie Portman from Black Swan, which is great news if you have a thing for She-Ra makeup on ladies. (Yeeeah!)
• Diablo Cody had a baby boy. Expect some ultra-precious and vomity hip baby talk TK. (Bitten and Bound)
• The Hulkster’s ex, Linda Hogan, is engaged to her 21-year-old pet boy. She has a type: bleachy. (The Superficial)
• Katy Perry puts on a latex bikini to promote her new album. Why? I don’t know. I guess she likes to sweat. (Daily Stab)
• A bunch of pics of Nicole Kidman nude. Print them out and play Memory! (Cityrag)
• Zac Efron dropped $2000 on strippers. Which is only half his lip gloss budget so everything’s cool. (Jezebel)
• Gwyneth Paltrow releases another song for a movie. No Huey Lewis? Then I ain’t listenin’. (Lainey)
• Facebook… Twitter… RSS… Turtle and cat are friends

Coco T has no discernible talent aside from her enormous butt, which is like a stern obelisk jutting out of the landscape, awing everyone in its path. Which is a bigger and better talent than acting, singing or juggling, honestly. Coco knows where her talents lie, and for the past several weeks, she’s been quietly upstaging everyone who tries to upstage her ass. When Kim Kardashian appeared in a tight catsuit at the Bullrun Live Rally, Coco was right behind her, bigger and better butt stuffed into a tighter and shinier get-up. And now we have these pictures of original asstress Jennifer Lopez on the beach in Mexico, and while Coco didn’t follow her on vacation, she cleverly leaked a photo of her naked butt (after the cut). Let this be a lesson to all of you. Do not attempt to out-butt the master. It’s embarrassing and futile, like challenging Paris Hilton to a herpes-off.

Ashton Kutcher is insufferable. I used “Kutchers” as a catchall term for overly-groomed, self-consciously charismatic dudes who probably don’t have souls. Think Ashton in the camera commercial and you’ll have a good notion of what Kutchers are like. If you need another example, how about this quote from Ashton himself in regards to the movie he just wrapped. Via PopEater, the Kutch said:

“I just finished a film called ‘The F–k Buddies,’ that may not ultimately be called ‘F–k Buddies.’ I don’t know why — I think people would love to go see a movie called ‘The F–k Buddies.’ I think if I saw a poster and it said ‘The F–k Buddies,’ I’d be like, ‘I’m in, I’m going to see it.’ That should be the title. I’m shooting for that.”

God, he’s pretty proud of the f-word, isn’t he? He’s probably got calluses on his back from patting it so much. I’m not buying it, and neither is  Natalie Portman. Via Celebitchy:

It seems Natalie Portman thinks Ashton Kutcher is a twit. While shooting Friends With Benefits [originally titled Fuck Buddies,] last spring, Kutcher and Portman – who played hookup buddies in the comedy – “couldn’t stand each other,” says a set source.

Kutcher “talks about his Twitter all day and thinks highly of himself,” continues the insider. And Harvard grad Portman wasn’t impressed.

“She would do her scenes then head back to her trailer and read books or scripts,” says the source. “She had no interest in hanging out with Ashton.”

Yeah, “Harvard grad” Portman was probably too busy being a Harvard grad. Ashton was like, “Hey Natalie! Wanna come to my trailer and watch me buff my chest with Bliss Spa’s sugar scrub and play with my Nikon Coolpix?” and she was like, “No, I must translate Kierkegaard into Urdu. Begone, cur.”

Sure, Kesha might be a flash in the pan, but she’s way more entertaining than, say, Selena Gomez. Does Selena slip nip or get Jackson Pollacked in goof juice? Not that we know of. Continuing her reign of fun/annoying, Ke$ha is profiled in the new issue of Paper magazine, and espouses on her love of tooling around in a gold Trans Am, spanking guys, and given them prison tattoos.

On her love for DIY tattooing:
A friend of mine told me you can [create a tattoo] with pen ink and a safety pin and I was like ‘That’s amazing. I could give tattoos at anywhere in the world at any hotel.’ I saw this hot dude recently and I gave him a tattoo sitting in the lobby of the hotel. I was just like ‘Can I borrow a pen and a sewing kit?’ I think I got an admirer out of that one.

On being a ‘pervert:’
I wouldn’t say I’m aggressive, but I’m a pervert. I have a gold Trans Am and my favorite thing to do in the world is to drive around blasting Zeppelin or Sabbath, cat calling dudes. It doesn’t work, but it’s fun.

On her pick-up methods in bars:
I usually do something ridiculous like send him over a shot of whiskey and then spank him. Something like that.

Sure, getting a homemade tattoo from Ke$ha in 2010 might seem funny and cool, but just think in 10 years when she’s a “Where Are They Now?” joke and you’re stuck with a permanent reminder. It’s like having a half sleeve that Sisqo gave you.

Today’s posts have been pretty lighthearted. Kesha in a Trans Am. Coco’s flesh thong. Lest you think we’re a blog that’s all cotton candy and Lisa Frank stickers, it’s time to sober things up with domestic abuse. I’m going for a Pulitzer in celebrity blogging so it’s time to break out the hard-hitting stories. Here’s the latest on A ASSHOLE, Mel Gibson. It’s like Shit Christmas every day on Radar, as they keep leaking tapes and pictures. Up today are four photographs of Oksana Grigorieva with a bruised face, allegedly at the meaty fists of Mel. Loyal CNW readers already know how I feel about Mel, so instead, let’s focus on Radar’s delicious background colors. Don’t you want to stick your tongue out and lick your monitor? So sherbety.

Comic-Con was this weekend. Historically, it’s been a place where myopic virgins dress up like daleks and as far as star power goes, buying an autographed 8″x10″ from the lady who played Female Romulan #2 on an episode of Deep Space Nine was the highlight. But now nerdery is cool, and Comic-Con attracts all kinds of fancy people, from Angelina Jolie to Blake Lively, who was there promoting Green Lantern. The dorks surely got a thrill, as Blake pared her silken Hammer pants with copious cleavage. These are the weirdest implants in A-list Hollywood history. They’re small, yet broad. Like Oreos. Luckily, comic nerds are used to playing with little plastic figurines, so this fits into their fantasies quite nicely.

Comic-Con was this weekend. Historically, it’s been a place where myopic virgins dress up like daleks and as far as star power goes, buying an autographed 8″x10″ from the lady who played Female Romulan #2 on an episode of Deep Space Nine was the highlight. But now nerdery is cool, and Comic-Con attracts all kinds of fancy people, from Angelina Jolie to Blake Lively, who was there promoting Green Lantern. The dorks surely got a thrill, as Blake pared her silken Hammer pants with copious cleavage. These are the weirdest implants in A-list Hollywood history. They’re small, yet broad. Like Oreos. Luckily, comic nerds are used to playing with little plastic figurines, so this fits into their fantasies quite nicely.

Paris Hilton is continuing her trollopy world tour, and she will remain unsatisfied until she has shown her sex organs on at least three continents. Last week, she gave Corsica a tour of her boobs, and on Saturday night she went to a nightclub in St. Tropez. In vintage Paris Hilton fashion, she danced on tables with her sister, grabbed a microphone, and hiked up her dress so that we can see the lobby of the Hilton. She was wearing nude underpants, but her vagina appears to be sucking them up into her core, letting her labia swing bare and free. It kind of resembles the mouth of a Kleenex box when one of the tissues gets stuck inside.

Pics after the cut are NSFW, unless you work for the Kimberly-Clark company and are well-versed in facial tissue snafus.